that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
