whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
