his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
