My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize