when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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