I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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