My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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