just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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