wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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