I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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