So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
