He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
