Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
