There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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