My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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