Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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