is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
