Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
