Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i was born a porn star she said
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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