When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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