I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
