do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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