there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
