Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
