Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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