Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
