3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
