my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Randomize
