happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
