if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
