she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
