I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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