I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
