Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
