Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
