"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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