I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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