so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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