sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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