wanna go halves on a baby?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
