The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
