if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
