I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
