I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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