my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
