Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
