Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if only i could text you this smell
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
