so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
