6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
