you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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