i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
